long way home

Yo te quiero, te extrano, te olvido
Aunque nunca me has faltado, siempre estas conmigo
Por las veces que he fallado y las heridas tan profundas
Mejor tarde que nunca para pedirte mil disculpas
Estoy gritando callado yo te llamo, te escucho, lo intento
De ti yo me alimento
Cuando el aire que respiro es violento y turbulento
Yo te olvido, te llamo, te siento

It began to rain as she looked up to the vast sky.
As if the answers to her questions pours on to her,
she felt the obvious as she closed her eyes.
She had let herself down
when He never did.

"And He wishes to forgive you" Qur'an (4:146).

The rain tricked on to her, slow at first but as it gets heavier, it pierced and throbs her skin that it hurts.
And felt the triumph of being lost and found.
Again and again.

Why does it always feel where she stood was so small and the sky endless?

The rain comes again.

She didn't stop for shelter.
She held up her hands high, chins up towards the sky and her mouth agape
as if trying to taste the silent answers she sought
she can feel it
as though the sky dims onto her
and the rest of the world laughs at the girl who fears not the rain
she fears nothing
she fears no one
except the Only One giving her the answers she needs

and in isolation
she begins to understand
the water, not stones falling on to her
as she remembers the Loved
rain of stones
words that hurled
everything that actually hurt
but still the droplets pains her
she felt foolish
as she remembers the Loved One in rain of stones
and she let the tears of sky
punish her
she let herself down
and not like him, the Loved One
in the City of Thaif

she would have, she thought, sent the angels of death to the ones causing her misery
but hers to the Loved One troubles are a broken sand to the universe
nothing
and in sadness the Loved One shook his head
and sent the angels away as he prayed

O Allah! I complain to You of my weakness, my scarcity of resources and my humiliation before the people. O Most Merciful of those who are merciful. O Lord of the weak and my Lord too. To whom have you entrusted me? To a distant person who receives me with hostility? Or to an enemy to whom you have granted authority over my affair? So long as You are not angry with me, I do not care. Your favour is of more abundance to me. I seek refuge in the light of Your Face by which all darkness is dispelled and every affair of this world and the next is set right, lest Your anger or your displeasure descend upon me. I desire your pleasure and satisfaction until you are pleased. There is no power and no might except by You.

she let the rain in
Oh how she misses the Loved One
and in the City where she lives
she drowns herself in the rain of tears
for all that she did

but she remembers
The City of Thaif
The Loved One in the rain of stones
for all the he did

When the rain stopped
so did her tears
she tries to recall a smile she had never seen
a face that she misses, but she has never met
for his guidance and patience that would lead her
to home
and in warmth of the light
she continues her journey.

"Those (are the true believers) who, when they commit an evil deed, or wrong their souls, remember Allah, and seek forgiveness for their sins - and who but Allah forgives sins? They do not insist upon the sins they have committed, and they know (that Allah is forgiving)." (Qur'an 3:135)

I love you, I miss you, I forget you
Even though you never let me down and always are by my side
For all the times I’ve failed and hurt you deeply
Better later than never to give you a 1000 apologies
I’m shouting silently, callin’ you, I’m listening to you, I’m tryin’
You nourish me
When the air that I breathe is violent and turbulent
I’m forgettin’ you, I’m callin’ you, I’m feelin’ you

p/s:
don't be too hard on yourself.
I know things are not easy, and no one understand you for what you do, for whatever you did.

But don't discount Him.

He never left you, He is closer to your veins, and He listens even before you speak
and forgives you when ask.

Note to myself as well.

If this post seems so esoteric to the rest of you, it shouldn't be.