Thursday, January 31, 2008

what comes around..

He called everyone for a staff meeting, including lawyers.
He didn't mince his words, going loggerheads with the undefended staff.
I can see from their eyes, its not fair.

I left early for a meeting with the arbitrator.
And I came late for work (the only one pros of being a lawyer, I guess) at 11 and guess what.
All the laptops were gone.
Somebody broke into the office and took all the Compaqs.
(Alhamdullilah, lucky for me I brought home mine)

(Not a hint of guilt, anyway anyhow we should not cheer for other people's misery but in this rat race, the losing rat gets the occasional cheese)

I don't know how, who dunnit. And I seriously don't want to know who's getting the blame.
But I feel each of us deserve what we do/did for others to suffer as much.

One of the staff told me: see, its karma paying back.


Sunday, January 27, 2008

first love

no one hurts her without hurting me the most.
no one got away hurting her without me letting it pass me by.
you hurt her, I break your face.
Remember that.

I will lose everything if I do, but I don't care.
Because without her, I'm nothing.

No matter how she sees me, its okay, I might not always show it, but don't doubt my love.
She's the reason why I live.
And if I die, because of her, I consider my short life and death worth living and dying.

Who should I give my love to?
My respect and my honor to
Who should I pay good mind to?
After Allah
And Rasulullah

Comes your mother...


so not sexy

when i was way much younger, I used to do stupid things too.
I shaved the sides of my head, I skateboard and date girls.( wohoo!)
But Goth is something I don't understand.
And so much I am in love, being a human pet is so... (fill in the blanks with unintelligible word)

And I thought being in love is supposed to set us free.


rebel with a cause

6.08 a.m.
He woke me up for fajr, while I was still groggy with the happenings and un-happenings from yesterday's absent demo and waiting in the rain in front of the ipk.
Good time to catch up with ol' friends.

Demo or no demo, maybe Discovery Channel should enlist street demo as part of the Malaysian cuppa. Even more so when the waiting and hopeful ppl turned up at the IPK held a mini-demo infront of the damn gates, and some of them even got arrested. I thought the Court order made was for KLCC area, dude.

Planned to go for futsal with law20 girls but I doubt I can make it on time.
Puan P called to ask to prepare for remand hearing for the 56 who got arrested.

While I was busy signing some forms when mr agent pak de came to our house, and I was still sleeping at 10 a.m., Fariz is heading back to Tangkak.

I was really thinking, have I become so self-absorbed with myself that nothing really matter outside the circle of my life? family, work, him and law + order are all the things that matter, and I feel foolish when I say I had it all. There are always people struggling for a greater cause (e.g the fedeyeen in Falastin) or people with no cause at all or even people who refuse to have any cause at all. Well, we are always stuck somewhere in the between.

The selfish me says: if I can't or incapable of helping, I don't and i won't.
But sometimes, like I've been told, its better to pretend to care than telling off the truth.

That's easy for you, those who detach emotions from their reasoning.
Applying decisions so mechanically. Thats why I'm a lawyer not a judge.

I'm never devoid of feelings, and every failed project, I'll take it personally.
That is why, if I can't, I cut it off completely.
Unless and until I learn how to built a facade around me, well, that would make me a person of no passion, when I am a passionate being. Why the dilemma.

Choose the path of God.
When you feel something is wrong, its how your conscience telling you this ain't right man, I wonder why do we still stand and fight for it??

Buta hati.
Oh God...let me be but that.

Let me live my life in grace, in virtue and in clear prospect for everything I do.
don't let me be a person blinded by something that destructs.
In grace and in virtue.
The integrity itself.


Friday, January 25, 2008

no stockholm syndrome

Stockholm syndrome.
No, I'm not talking about any muse song at the mo'.

Seriously if you ask me, love is indeed blind.
So it does not matter much to me if you're falling head over heels with your abductor.
Go ahead.
Even more so if it makes you feel sexier, to find love with your aggressor.

But what if, the villain robs your love off from you?
You still don't get it?

what do you feel about .. bomoh-induced love?
That's what I'm talking about.

For me, that's just sick.
They have no shame, chicken shit to the max and cruel.
Its theft.

Thing can you prove such a thing to any court of law......


Monday, January 21, 2008

whataday mayday monday

Woke up today feeling slightly revengeful, remembering that al would have probably heading for her month-long vacation while i still need to go to court.
And my younger brother fariz is at home, and I just hate going to work while my youngest sibs are around.

Had a civil matter in sahc today, while I was all robed-up and very not looking forward for the trial today, the boss called to adjourn a s.376 (rape) case in the criminal court (read: his file, his continued hearing)

Which I did, but the judge refused to adjourn and the day saw a red-faced me proceeding the rape case. When I informed the boss that the judge is reluctant to adjourn, he just told me to wrap it up and didn't even wish me luck. I could've just abandoned the files, man. But I didn't. It wouldn't do any justice for the victim and moreover the client if I did. But. Without notes of evidence, and without proper preparation,how the hell was I expected to cross the witness? (by and by, not gicing full access to justice, huh?) And the Dpp was giving me a real hard time.

I just hate my boss.
But the day ended well, and both the judge and her Dpp were smiling (at me for trying my very best) but I still feel sick to what could've happen to day.

Somebody might have just been strangled by this junior lawyer, underpaid (durian seller worth more than I do and I drive only a proton hoi I'm a freakin' lawyer, call me Puan, geddit!!!) and underweight (eh? takde kena mengena) Grrrrkkkhhhhh!

Me being ambitious for not quitting, or just contemplating to continue where i am now for a premature death?
Its the boss, but I love the job.


Saturday, January 19, 2008

Vk's JD

a parody of a defence in the making?
you tell me.


Friday, January 18, 2008


Talk-talk big.
I know, you know this for sure:
you didn't even hold a freakin' portfolio enough for you to complain as if you were giving your office a favour for doing every thing.

What a bore.


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

we love this monster

In the bubbles in my head I speak in one breath: (out of sheer frustration + excitement)

got an email from a friend, an expat, (a friend of DN btw) who's parting from his precious love the monster because he is heading home. DN must've told him I like bikes, especially the naked ones, but NO ONE would actually allow me to take bike license and ride like I was born to ride because it just won't look nice for ladies to ride in a superbike nevertheless I still have the hots and its a good thing that my dearest loves riding big bikes, and share the same likings for monster, raptor or ever the affordable blade. Ducatis and Cagivas would fetch something like 70 k, hahaha yes you're talking about me ever the kedekut one I just won't part with my money for some increasing liability machine but it will be a different thing when and if I'm earning $20 k per month which I'm not so I'm still with my trusty ride which gets me from point A to point B rather slow hahaha. But this guy, is selling his Monster for a price below $20 k. When I called him, too bad, DN have bought it. Damn.
What a bargain. Even if I dont have that much of a money, but maybe I can blackmail Yah for some moolah. Hahahahahahaha.
Sorry darling, we will get out hands on this monster, sooner or later. =P

Hey you guys, the contract I had with ***** ends this January. I don't think I'll stay much longer, I plan to start a family, all the kicks and bangs, so I'm heading back to the UK soon. Dhiren told me you guys like bikes, the one that I brought all over the country since the last 4 years, yup that one, I have to let it go. I'm selling it in a good price, (RM18,000.00) but the thing is its best if I can get it paid by cash? So let me know if any of our friends are interested. (Don't feel guilty. Bikes in the UK are relatively cheap, yknow)

I've included some of the details of the bike, so do give me a ring.

Make: Ducati
Model: Monster 600 cc
Year: 1996
Price RM: 18500 Neg.
Number Plate: WFB 4604
Mileage: 43300 km
Capacity: 600 cc
Color: Red
Engine Type: Petrol
Transmission: Manual
Owners: 4 or more
Condition: Used


birthday wish

This is the longest January I have ever had to endure...
Happy birthday,
I wish for your smile,
and may success and Allah's blessings be with you,
and may His guide and mercy protect you..
and may Allah grant you life full of happiness and health..

I wish that today, on your birthday, gets you closer to everything that you wished for..
the nissan skyline,
the cagiva monster,
the house with fish ponds and laughing children...
with the loved ones always by your side..

I love you so much!

When you come back, I promise you we will celebrate your birthday the way it should..
with cakes and balloons, everything!

nak suruh naufal, tat, din, pidin campak b dalam kolam, boleh? =P
cayang dia banyak2! by the way..mak plan nak beli bday kek, nak sambut bday b..boleh ke?


Tuesday, January 15, 2008


talk to me in whispers
have me running back
through the mountains
the fathomless ocean of feelings
the deep rivers of truth
and in shameless sky
back to you

talk to me in whispers
and through your smiles
that lit up my universe so bright
like there never had been light
or through your cries
that would have drown the cities
and the dwellings in my heart
in misery

talk to me in whispers
or send me away
have me back running to you.
make me choose you over the sun
and i gladly haunt the nights
for you
ne'er a glow that is
compared to you

talk to me in whispers
or just let it die with the sun..


Sunday, January 13, 2008

long way home

Yo te quiero, te extrano, te olvido
Aunque nunca me has faltado, siempre estas conmigo
Por las veces que he fallado y las heridas tan profundas
Mejor tarde que nunca para pedirte mil disculpas
Estoy gritando callado yo te llamo, te escucho, lo intento
De ti yo me alimento
Cuando el aire que respiro es violento y turbulento
Yo te olvido, te llamo, te siento

It began to rain as she looked up to the vast sky.
As if the answers to her questions pours on to her,
she felt the obvious as she closed her eyes.
She had let herself down
when He never did.

"And He wishes to forgive you" Qur'an (4:146).

The rain tricked on to her, slow at first but as it gets heavier, it pierced and throbs her skin that it hurts.
And felt the triumph of being lost and found.
Again and again.

Why does it always feel where she stood was so small and the sky endless?

The rain comes again.

She didn't stop for shelter.
She held up her hands high, chins up towards the sky and her mouth agape
as if trying to taste the silent answers she sought
she can feel it
as though the sky dims onto her
and the rest of the world laughs at the girl who fears not the rain
she fears nothing
she fears no one
except the Only One giving her the answers she needs

and in isolation
she begins to understand
the water, not stones falling on to her
as she remembers the Loved
rain of stones
words that hurled
everything that actually hurt
but still the droplets pains her
she felt foolish
as she remembers the Loved One in rain of stones
and she let the tears of sky
punish her
she let herself down
and not like him, the Loved One
in the City of Thaif

she would have, she thought, sent the angels of death to the ones causing her misery
but hers to the Loved One troubles are a broken sand to the universe
and in sadness the Loved One shook his head
and sent the angels away as he prayed

O Allah! I complain to You of my weakness, my scarcity of resources and my humiliation before the people. O Most Merciful of those who are merciful. O Lord of the weak and my Lord too. To whom have you entrusted me? To a distant person who receives me with hostility? Or to an enemy to whom you have granted authority over my affair? So long as You are not angry with me, I do not care. Your favour is of more abundance to me. I seek refuge in the light of Your Face by which all darkness is dispelled and every affair of this world and the next is set right, lest Your anger or your displeasure descend upon me. I desire your pleasure and satisfaction until you are pleased. There is no power and no might except by You.

she let the rain in
Oh how she misses the Loved One
and in the City where she lives
she drowns herself in the rain of tears
for all that she did

but she remembers
The City of Thaif
The Loved One in the rain of stones
for all the he did

When the rain stopped
so did her tears
she tries to recall a smile she had never seen
a face that she misses, but she has never met
for his guidance and patience that would lead her
to home
and in warmth of the light
she continues her journey.

"Those (are the true believers) who, when they commit an evil deed, or wrong their souls, remember Allah, and seek forgiveness for their sins - and who but Allah forgives sins? They do not insist upon the sins they have committed, and they know (that Allah is forgiving)." (Qur'an 3:135)

I love you, I miss you, I forget you
Even though you never let me down and always are by my side
For all the times I’ve failed and hurt you deeply
Better later than never to give you a 1000 apologies
I’m shouting silently, callin’ you, I’m listening to you, I’m tryin’
You nourish me
When the air that I breathe is violent and turbulent
I’m forgettin’ you, I’m callin’ you, I’m feelin’ you

don't be too hard on yourself.
I know things are not easy, and no one understand you for what you do, for whatever you did.

But don't discount Him.

He never left you, He is closer to your veins, and He listens even before you speak
and forgives you when ask.

Note to myself as well.

If this post seems so esoteric to the rest of you, it shouldn't be.


Thursday, January 10, 2008


few months back I dreamt of Monaco.
Last night it was Lucerne and Hirschen.

Good grief, these places are all giving me nightmares!
(Ghouls and ghost used to scare me more but not nowadays)

If there's one thing that is so unbecoming about being an advocate, its this.
And you're talking to a person who has no immediate plans to further study (well, not for jalan-jalan per se . ) I see myself in deep and going deeper in litigation world in the next five years time at the very least.

Now that I belong in the Dark Underworld, more sleepless nights of dreaming of lakes and swans, of autumn leaves and romancing trains, of sea and ships, of places we used to go,
are all nightmares to me.

All these happening to me.
When I began to love the career.


Soon, when I'm entitled to more leave, (not necessarily more money as I can hop in and out any country sleeping in the bunk beds of hostels. Backpacking is the way to go. ) is when the nightmare stops. Last trip we had was june last year with the Airport security ready to haul me outside for forgetting that the passport is expiring. I miss all that hoo-haah.
Yah, I envy you.


Monday, January 07, 2008

a labour of love

This few weeks I got myself extremely busy with drafting of submission.
I never liked doing submission simply because:

1. I'm rubbish at researching
2. what happens to the real art of advocacy?

For those who know me, I hate long hours of work.
I prefer to cut it down, fully utilizing the working hours and save the weekend and the night time for the family..but it seems this is no more luxury for me.
Big fat files are coming in for the company, and I, ever the laid back worker had to sacrifice some hours at home sweet home doing work.

This is how I work.
Still laid back.
But honestly, I like the new direction of the company.
Suddenly we (there used to be only 4 of us) found ourselves with additional 3 staffs and one senior associate with 11 years of experience whom reminds me of my pupil master.

I don't know, but after being thrown in the deep end for half a year now, a guiding hand is utmost appreciated. I used to come in the office so much later than 11 a.m, but now I found myself arriving at 9.30, like an eager pupil I used to be under the wings of my pupil master, Saroop.
Everytime I learn something new from the senior associate, it feels so good inside knowing that you love what you actually you're doing.
Hey, its not work if you love your work.
I see brighter days ahead.

I uploaded this pictures of our Atuk, attending to his precious orchids.
Ask any orchid enthusiasts, not many can actually make orchids bloom like his. Like this.
I miss my atuk already... sniff sniff..

For the grandkids of Daing Ibrahim and not forgetting..the fans of Atuk popeye.. (fad, asni..nak tambah member? atuk popeye fan club) enjoy and please pray for his good health.
He's 86 years of age, and yup..still handsome and looking good. =p
tengok cucu laa. Mwahaha.

memang comel tau atuk dan mak =)


Sunday, January 06, 2008

missing froggy frog

Sunday morning, went out with friends for a round of futsal.
I had fun.
The girls are planning to have another go (hopefully it'll be a regular activity, hmm?)
But mak went out to visit my little biggu while I was out.
I missed her. And I really miss her..
Waaa tak sabar nak tunggu miggu depan..nak visit my little frog monkey..

i'll post something about the futsal at the law20 blog later. Right now I'm just heading for the bed, slept late last night finishing my submission and an hour of brainless fun drains the oatmeal-driven energy. Only to be replenished by tonnes of calories later. Blame Maryam for dragging me to Secret Recipe (kidding! i'm not on diet.its just that i'm taking extra care of my health and at the same time, I want to enjoy living life to the fullest. You only live once) Ohh she's back from Germany!Really missed her =') thanks for the raspberry cheese cake!

oh yeah. we do have our own blog. Yayeah!


discerning the 300 plus plus

not for the faint hearted (ha!).
p/s: to set the mood, please play "Bad day" originally sang by Daniel Powter. The best effect of this blog is better listened to the version by Alvin and the chipmunks. Happy and uplifting.

How does it feel being isolated from the real world, even for a week?
All the familiar flickers of tv, the buzzing of people, the hums of nothingness becomes a terrible alliance of self-thoughts. Even the food mocks and drinks seems to spit at you.

Hishamudin Rais (Abg Sham? wekk) told me his experience being in a jail.
Its not so much of the isolation from the physical world, its the war inside you that burns the most.
Thats what what Kak Lat told us.
The inmates sing the same song albeit different lyrics and tunes.
The inner battle must be conquered, or else the physical kingdom is just a sand castle.

Well heck no, I wasn't thrown into any jail yet.
I can always suggest 'better' persons to go behind the bars (Hah! start with the rebellious Fad, and then the "saya dah berdemo sejak reformasi lagi" Radzlan) Me just a small timer.

Try being in a hospital for a week.
So you still get to watch tv, decent food (hospital yuckness), and there's nothing to it compared to being in a jail (except,well, not having internet connection in both places and they smell funny too). I thought well, nothing I'll miss that much (except yming him ~the hospital really should do a wifi hotspot) but I did.
I missed all the things I don't usually do.
And I hate doctors, the remind me (no pun intended) jail directors and them nurses jail wardens.

And I got myself an oath to kiss the ground when I'm released.
How do these people of twenty years of imprisonment keep their sanity???
I myself, for an instance, missed going to work and chasing datelines when I was 'detained'.
How do these people stand twenty effing years, man??

So I'm out here.
I didn't kiss the ground (emotional baggage of a former drama queen) but this time around, I really will eat my quaker oatmeal (swear to God it taste worse than the decent hospital food) every morning, I will really run two miles (thats 4 km plus for you british educated), I reall will skip cold drinks and really will watch my food.

Today, I lost my atm card, keep up the smiley face while the boss strums your patience messaging you for the submissions and some compliance work (oi, I don't do corporate, you get me? and oi, i'm on my not working days lah) all by today.
Coolly I did it all.
And there's nothing to it. The battle has been won.

My castle is not made out of sand.

What a appropriate post, with the new gregorian year, to post something positive.
Why, we have extra one day this year 2008, and I suppose we give our best to each and every day God bestowed to us, yes?

Be good to yourselves.
Be kind to others.
Be nice to your friends.
Be there for your loved ones.
Be thankful to God.
Be true to yourself.

I'm grinning from ear to ear.
Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and so it continues until the sanctioned day of death, its another 2 miles, another bowl of bluueegh oat, another trip to Sg Buloh with Mak to buy more plants, another wall to paint, another futsal to play (yeah Atie!! see you people this Sunday (especially my dearest confidante, MM who came back from Germany),
another chance of life; to love, to build, to appreciate, to accomplish, to discern!,
another day out of the 366 days to live life to the fullest.

Until death comes to take us away to Him.

for those missing my posts for almost a week now, the mac's back.
I'm feeling so much better now.
oh ye. The Federal Counsel of law20 just officiated Law20 blog.

You people who call yourselves law20/blogger, please rant there.


toi plus moi =)

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