Monday, January 22, 2007

and this one goes out to...

to my him.

He deserved all the best things for his brithday last 16th.

I wish he gets the nissan skyline (though I still think it looks kinda mafioso and inapropriate for a doctor) he always wanted.

I wish I can get him the ZZR (ala House's machine, macho innit, girls? We just love nice guys with mean bikes. But House is just the total opposite) so that he can always come home to me in a jiffy.

I wish he savors the finest birthday cake with terribly big crowd wishing him happiness for his life ever after with loyal friends he can always count on.

I wish I could afford replace his ol' trusty cellphone, with the latest technology because he is always careful with his belongings. Or what ever gadgety gadgets nowadays.

I wish all the money can buy all the things if it means so much to any other man, but not him.
He wouldn't want any of it.
Thats why I adore him.

Most of all.. I wish that i could stop anything in this world from hurting him.
I wish for his happiness and may God protect him always with His Grace and Love.

And for my birthday.. I wish for his smile.


Sunday, January 21, 2007

unbreaking a broken heart

Confessions of a daughter:

I'd never been so grateful to my parents. I think.
Moreover to my dad, I think.

My resentment to him is just like of any teenagers', he cut me off from soon-to-be boyfriends during junior high, asked my brothers to straight-talk with the guys who had high-fived me after school, and tore my ethan hawke and skeet ulrich posters off my bedroom wall (though, he left the pink floyd's division of the bell intact i tell you). And had even emotionally blackmailed me by hinting that he would marry me off to any boyfriends or petbrothers that came along or whoever who dared to call our number.

But my childhood, is like no other.
I grew up in this family and my dad as the father.
Really.If I were to summed it all up, I would still question why did mom and dad got married in the first place anyway, they're worlds apart and not even heaven or hell could unite them.
But they did.

My answer to my own question is that so all of us, the offsprings were born.

To some parts of my dad's misfortunes and misgiving, I had, but recently I learnt that nothing is perfect and everyone hurts, held the anger for so long.

But I'm only 23 and I had never called anyone else my dad except my own.
So yeah, he's not perfect but I love him.
In my own ways lah.

I look up on him.
Though unknowingly, he made such an impact on my personal development, although it can be said that I'd always been with mom.

I was 5 and after observing long enough him shaving in the toilet, I thought it was cool. So I shaved the whole of my body, there goes my eyebrow, my moustache my everything!

I always wanted to be him. So that's my factor of ever becoming a tomboy, so I can drive fast cars and wear pants to work.

I had always been amazed to cars, and I like following him to workshops where his cars, were about to be modified and listened to him attentively about hair-pins turns, three points bucket seats and would cry when he went to the rally without me.

My musical taste had always been influenced by him. Who now knows comfortably numb by heart, and you're talking about my generation who has the u2 as their classics while ours would be ritchie blackmore and pink floyds.

My interest in books too. I can thank him for the enormous library we used to have, and the amount of patience he had for our books, which may seem nonsensical to him, but he bought it anyway.

And in many other ways I cannot explain or put enough here.

I would not go another day without him, that is the truth.
And the fact that he fears that I do, discomforts me.

Maybe I shoud mend my ways and be a gentler daughter I should, afterall we only live once.
And why not give the joy of living back to the ones who had gave us our lives?

Thank God, for my mom and my dad.
I love thou for them both.


Thursday, January 18, 2007

a week of horror, a blissful lifetime

This post might be esoteric, but who reads my blog anyway?

The fact that I'd been worrying, sickly, eats me right up.
My usual therapy of sleeping more than I need when I'm stressful failed, instead I woke up every other hour, disturbed by my own thumping hearbeats.

Never knew it could get that loud.

I'd lost my appetite, indifferent to others and was, and I'm ashamed of myself, being angry with myself so much that if its not for my religion, i would have tore myself apart and call it bloodbath happy ending.

After a week of insanity, last night was the last straw, I felt helpless and hopeless. I felt that I needed to push 'something' to kill my anxiety. I was thinking of drastic, negative actions when my him, always understanding that the wife is a complex angry creature, at the same time having in depth faith of of...well of faith, told me to calm down and read the words of God almighty.

I remembered of wanting to meekly mock him; something like yeahright but my innerself told me not to. I was, and had not been a good servant of God.

So I tried talking to Him.

And He listened.

You know something about miracles?
It can just happen just the way you want them to be. And even more.

And you know something about God?
He's always there. When you give Him up, you're just hurting yourself more than you could just imagine. He is the Creator of all things and beings, and he did create hurt and pain. For you to be closer to Him.

And when you call upon Him, He is nearer than any of us can imagine.

I got my wish.
For all these pain I'd been suffering for past few days, I thank God.
For I could never feel happier and grateful if not for it.
I love my life more and so I am in love with Him more.

But one week.
Yeah, worth the wait.

I may sound like a non-believer, i hate waiting and if faith is about waiting, I'll be the one who's edging at the edge of my seat and pounce at any false alarms. This, made me more vulnerable as a person and I chose to ignore, sometimes, my own intuition.

Why can't I just leave it to God?
I believe Him but why do I still worry?
Why do I still pause to think, when I should have be rest assured and just take the plunge?

because i'm just another human.
and being me just complicates the matter.

thank you Allah.
I can never thank you enough.. for everything that i have and for the things that i dont..

thank you hubby ..for making you and me closer to what we seek afterall....


Wednesday, January 10, 2007

my apprehensiveness is killing me.

and i'm turning into this almost jelly-like creature, squirming silent fears.


  • weekly gossip with oldtime buddy fara-e did drown my anxiety, good for a couple of hours, if i can sit down just laugh at her messy messy life at the art gallery, her survival of having to do everything but yet nothing, and it'll stuck on good if i can remember that everything has a way out. Everything has a solution and everything happens for a reason.
  • then daddy had to spoil the positive energy, by being realistically affirmative to my fear, by saying: "every solution is new problem". Damnit. So much for positive thinking.

  • yah: I can almost hear she scream in my head: "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU SO" but in real-time, she is my lifesaver and and and she would do anything to save me from this mess but but but but had I not listened to her advice? I did. But I proceeded. Soo...
  • okay so workload at the office and the uneasy stares of the judges (its actually MORE evidently coming from the clerks, i'm exxaggerating) get me off from thinking of the uncertainties, but come on! who gets happier with modern time slavery?
  • my him. He's being extra extra sweet and all, but I really don't want to trouble him (sorry dearest) anymore.
  • so i pray. Only heavens above can uplift this bludgeoning scary thoughts and save us from any harm. Ameen. InsyaAllah.

I'm such a mess.

Any suggestions?


toi plus moi =)

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