To the beach

Is could be just me, but when I miss someone, I wish I can be at the beach.
The vast ocean tells me something when I tell them mine.
Something like when you stare at the sky, but this time you can feel it. Touch it. Smell the salty heavy air.
It feels infinite.
And you're one with everything. With everyone.
Like the fathomless deep ocean.

 .
If only Lil Lief can excuse the pesky sands. Sigh.

Asal jiwang je ingat pantai. Apakah.

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If

To Little Lief. Ibu Loves You.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

 -Rudyard Kipling

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6+

Because you're my sakinah, he said.
When asked why of all persons, me. Despite my fiery openness, he found peace with me.
Alhamdulillah ya Allah.

I'm the antithesis of a domesticated wife, and he's the not the archetypal husband.
Dysfunctional. Perfect.

And Isam sings to us our song:

This ain't a love song
This is a live song

Woman, u my equal, my wife
We be tight like
2 perfectly matching calligraphy lines
What drew us together
Doesn't conform to the laws of nature
It is written
There is only One opener for the lock of these things

We don't wanna build our house of earth, water and stone
But of wisdom, pure intentions, conversation
Compassionate action, with purity of heart
We might get somewhere, become light
Fast and burn like a candle, right
Intertwine, u give me peace of mind
I cloak u and u cloak me
Responsible I feel with honesty
Between us God has put affection and mercy
Praised be He who created u
Cuz all I see in u is beautiful

My dearest
I adore you like the most beautiful shooting star in the sky
And when I feel alone I know that you understand me
I know that you comprehend me
I'm looking for comfort in your smile
Let's hurry, follow me
'Cuz I've always seen myself old and aged
My children grown up, grandchildren by my side
And the moonlight has revealed
That your heart beats for me
And it has always been like that
I've practised what to say many times
When God is willing
We'll stand face to face
That will be the moment to put a spell on you
If only I could slide into your eyes
If only you would see through the past
If only I don't have to pay for my peculiarities
I'll dedicate my life to you
Even after death will separate us

Most definitely in our love are signs of knowledge
Every dime I spend on you
Is worth more than what I spend on the poor
See patience is the best key to happiness
Continuous, satisfaction, pearls wanna be like u
Intertwine, u are my Sakeena

You protect me and I protect u
Scientifically we be deeper than Al-kindi
Between us God has put affection and mercy

We going 6 years strong
With no sign of REGRET
With each year we gain in force with ups and downs of course
And thank God, my son was born without complications
my love to you is unconditional
Not limited by typical Bollywood scenarios
Or by statistics when problems occur we leave
'Cause I know t u?ll stay till I no longer will breathe
Or if I'm crippled, blinded or anything else
I know I can rely on u helping my every step
Love is not just limited to butterflies and sex
It's to recognise and respect each others intellects
Lots of regrets many things we shouldn't have said and done
But that's just part of our journey and it's just begun
Define beauty 'cause one day looks will fade
But a beautiful mind still be young at an old age
And I know it's hard me being away for so long
But I respect u so much for being so strong
I remember U being pregnant going to school
Cooking food taking care of  the whole house
All in one something a man could never do no doubt
So I thank my mother for the day she brought us together
And I pray for our reunion in the afterlife forever

Woman, u my equal, my wife
We be tight like
2 perfectly matching calligraphy lines
What drew us together
Doesn't conform to the laws of nature
It is written
There is only One opener for the lock of these things

Right. Two weeks is too long for some people.
Us. :)

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hati yang merasa

Dia mengendong anaknya, dan berdiri patuh menunggu. Mahkamah: tempat asing untuk kanak-kanak, apatah lagi untuk bayi yang masih merah, digendong lembut ibunya dalam kain lampin kusam. Apabila giliran dan namanya dipanggil, dia memandang ke kiri dan ke kanan untuk sesiapa memegang bayinya itu sementara dia disoal hakim.

Itulah kali pertama saya berjumpa dengannya.

Tangannya tidak digari seperti banduan lain, untuk memudahkan dia mendukung anaknya, tapi pergerakannya masih terbatas. Sorotan mata-mata yang memandang lebih banyak membatas daripada gerigi besi. Itu dia tahu.

Katanya anaknya dilahirkan di dalam penjara.

Bila ditanya apakah perkerjaannya, dia menjawab kepada saya as a matter of fact:

“Ayam. Aku ni seorang Ayam”.

Naifnya saya ketika itu tidak tahu apa yang dia maksudkan sehinggalah dia bercerita lanjut, mungkin disebabkan latah wajah saya yang melampau: “Aku melacur diri”.

Nota ringkas saya ambil. Umurnya muda, baru 24. Wajahnya nampak lebih tua dari angka usianya. Ceritanya lagi, bukan sekali dua. Tetapi selama dia mula mempunyai ingatan dia telah mula melacur. Semenjak kecil? Tentu dia dirogol. Saya catatkan untuk poin mitigasi rayuan. Sejak bila kau jadi demikian?

Senyumnya kelat “sebelum aku boleh berlari”

Saya kira kalau dia boleh melarikan diri, dia tentu boleh meninggalkan kerjanya, tetapi dia menggeleng “Itu sahaja benda yang aku tahu buat”.

“Kerja senang, tapi selalu sakit. Dan ini-“ sambil menunjukkan anaknya “bahana bila pelanggan degil memakai ‘getah’.” Masih dikucupnya bayi yang kasihan itu.

Soal saya bagaimana dia ditangkap, katanya:

 “Aku ditangkap dengan seorang budak sekolah”

Kesnya bersambung pada tarikh lain. Entah ujian makmal apa pula yang belum siap.

Dia dibawa pergi, sambil diciumnya anak kecilnya bertalu-talu.

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wishful drink

She is a woman in her early sixties.

Haughty, without apology. She made sure that her house is clean, spic and span, her kitchen immaculate and she will have no excuse for her (now grand)children’s sloppiness. She believes in discipline, as her years enduring the toughest nursing career had shaped her.

I was having lunch with her when I brought the bowl of rice to her plate, while she demanded her glass of water She wasn’t even beginning to eat when she scowled. “You know my son Joe will never forget my drink.”

“How do you expect me to eat if there’s no drink?”

“Do you want me to choke?”  

I felt clumsy . And inefficient.

She continued to  fuss about it, threatening to not eat at all. I had no notion of hinting to her that I was just a visitor, just finalizing some legal documents and still I was subjected to her wrath. But I said nothing and brought her glass of water. Then she began telling me years of good upbringing had weaved her Joe to become a gentleman that he is, forever putting her as his first priority. I sat, listening and slowly munching my lunch. It felt like a stale bread.

Then dinner came.

Her four children joined us for dinner. Being a guest, and with that I afforded myself with not doing anything, while her children busied themselves manning the dining room. They helped themselves with curry, salads and then they sat down for dinner. We were beginning to eat when the old lady raised her voice the first time in the evening “Where’s my glass of water?”-

No one remembered her. Not even Joe.

Joe studied his mother, hesitantly motioned her sister to pass the jug of water to the matriarch. She sat still, unknowing of what to do with her own expectation of her children. Still she had to take her own glass from the kitchen cabinet.

I saw the hurt in her eye, for her belief had shattered right before us. Before the guest for the evening, especially.

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