a week of horror, a blissful lifetime

This post might be esoteric, but who reads my blog anyway?

The fact that I'd been worrying, sickly, eats me right up.
My usual therapy of sleeping more than I need when I'm stressful failed, instead I woke up every other hour, disturbed by my own thumping hearbeats.

Never knew it could get that loud.

I'd lost my appetite, indifferent to others and was, and I'm ashamed of myself, being angry with myself so much that if its not for my religion, i would have tore myself apart and call it bloodbath happy ending.

After a week of insanity, last night was the last straw, I felt helpless and hopeless. I felt that I needed to push 'something' to kill my anxiety. I was thinking of drastic, negative actions when my him, always understanding that the wife is a complex angry creature, at the same time having in depth faith of of...well of faith, told me to calm down and read the words of God almighty.

I remembered of wanting to meekly mock him; something like yeahright but my innerself told me not to. I was, and had not been a good servant of God.

So I tried talking to Him.

And He listened.

You know something about miracles?
It can just happen just the way you want them to be. And even more.

And you know something about God?
He's always there. When you give Him up, you're just hurting yourself more than you could just imagine. He is the Creator of all things and beings, and he did create hurt and pain. For you to be closer to Him.

And when you call upon Him, He is nearer than any of us can imagine.

I got my wish.
For all these pain I'd been suffering for past few days, I thank God.
For I could never feel happier and grateful if not for it.
I love my life more and so I am in love with Him more.

But one week.
Yeah, worth the wait.

I may sound like a non-believer, i hate waiting and if faith is about waiting, I'll be the one who's edging at the edge of my seat and pounce at any false alarms. This, made me more vulnerable as a person and I chose to ignore, sometimes, my own intuition.

Why can't I just leave it to God?
I believe Him but why do I still worry?
Why do I still pause to think, when I should have be rest assured and just take the plunge?

because i'm just another human.
and being me just complicates the matter.

thank you Allah.
I can never thank you enough.. for everything that i have and for the things that i dont..

thank you hubby ..for making you and me closer to what we seek afterall....