it doesnt feel good

I'm used to watch people in prison.
I got a hang of it watching people getting arrested (by truckloads, for demo)
Sometimes the accused persons sit so close behind counsels' desk in courts that I could always hear the soft but sharp clinging sounds of their handcuffs.
When I represented a client for a rape case, he is on bail, and we had nice lunch and he almost look like ordinary persons like you and me.
I mitigated for ayam (ie chow kit prostitutes) and if she wasn't put in the dock, nobody would've suspected she is a sexual worker.

Everyone looks the same to me.

Day in and out of practice rendered me numbness of conviction of guilt and innocence, I subconsciously built a wall barrier to detach myself from feeling too much for any accused persons.
No matter how they look like.
I never seem to lose my objectivity of any sort.
Because evidence is everything.
Because everyone is innocent until proven guilty.

But this morning, I lose 'the' objectivity.
I witnessed somebody I know arrested, and being led away with handcuffs on him.

The lawyer in me was gone.
Why did they have to handcuff him?
He's not dangerous and obviously unarmed.

You lose your objectivity with someone you know.
Its no more "oh, its someone else".

I was helpless.
A suspect is a suspect is a suspect.
But I know, even if he is innocent, his future is already bleak.
If he's guilty, he is.

Only last week he told me he went for a medical check-up to join the police force.
He was hopeful, he said he wanted his mom to proud of him.

I know how long it takes for things like this to settle.
It could take months.
Even years.

Suddenly I remember the faces of clients I helped before.
When they thanked me, I shrugged off any more appreciative moves, telling them its my job.
Never did I delve deeper to understand that it means so much to be free.
Free to be with your family.
From those blameful and hateful eyes of the society.
Free from guilt.

Now that I know it, I swear to God it doesn't feel so good anymore.