sing you polaroid

Polaroid

I'm calculating what's left inside me
When everything I left were my life and my dreams
And every time you were proud of what you were not
This is the truth and it'll be a history

I gave you everything, I gave up my life and they were all for you,
you've ruined everything!
I gave you everything and I gave up my life
And they were all for you! (And they were all for you)

I wonder what went wrong, it became like this
when I'm not pretty sure (No, I'm not pretty sure)
After all the crossings we've been through,
it's not suppose to be like this. Why?
And every time you're fucking proud of what you're not
I hate the truth but still it'll be a history

I swear you will know this somehow
Before it's too late and dies
Realities are so complicated
I wish to see the truth shines brightly in your eyes

Its even for me, and ever for you
Just try to understand..
You and me, yeah I remember
Look how we used to be.................

p/s: lyrics to the song sang by yuna, originally by oh chentaku.
Check out this band: oh chentaku. Wow. Local bands rock!

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mind soothing

Yup, that what I'm at most of the time now.
Sometimes it gets so real I suspect myself for self-doping.
Aha.

Oh, Yuna, if you're reading, you rock!
(but why the hood la babes?)

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sufferin' succotash

I really felt like cursing.
But how do I curse to something that actually brings me good?

So I have to say something rather pompous, like agreeing to the fact that it actually sucks but fearing that being a motor mouth would render me ungrateful, so I cursed rather, shamefully, and meekly...

suffering succotash!

At least there two F's..

Am I relieved?
I don't know.

I'm relieved for not having to face the hateful people anymore.
If I had been more forgiving, it would be thus abominable because I share the same credo as Rumpole "never plead guilty" when you're not. But I trust being forgiving is best, if not noble.

James never thought of forgiving Briony, did he?
He constantly thought of Cee.
But none of the bitch who had taken his life and love away.

In that same tune, I think the same too.
I fear the future, for the past is something I have no control of.

To forgive or not, it's not going to change anything.
Damage is done.
The bridge has been burnt.
And one innocent person was burnt alive at the stake.
Crucified for a crime no one knows how it happened.
Why blame the innocent, is another question.

How should I be at peace?
How can I be relieved?

Innocence is never a warranty to your freedom.
My mother said, if you want so much of a warranty, buy yourself a toaster and you'll get one.
(Though when she said it she meant it in relation to love-relationships)


If you'd watch Sweeny Todd (sorry Depp, didn't like musicals anyway) or even better, Count of Monte Cristo, you know what I meant. What is justice, accords to your power.
If you're poor and weak, no justice for you.
You continue living in fear and agony, while the long hands of law reaches for you for something you didn't do.

A quick wish of death is helpful.
But really, if there's anyone else in this world deserves to die, it shouldn't be the innocents.
And unless if your neurotic, stop whining and face the music.
What gives you the right to be weak?

For God is always there.
Protecting, Providing.


So I cursed sufferin' succotash.
Its meaningless, but acknowledging the human factor still needs to be compensated, (but still can be deceived), into believing your anger translated into any verbal diarrhea is good enough as an overkill, hence its sufficient.

Its one bad experience, one of the most difficult thing I've ever encountered in my life.
It makes me treasure my life even more.
And its not Cancer.


If i have one advice to give, I'll give you the soundest I've ever give:
Associate yourselves only with people of integrity.

At the point of no return, I will soon have no regrets (for things I didn't do), and be thankful to God that I am being thought an expensive lesson of trust.

How can I not be grateful?

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that's it

I've had enough.

Last few weeks I had been dwindling my head, trying to make a reasoned decision.
To go or not to go.
To litigate or to arbitrate.
To do general or go specialize.

It was 50-50. Good and bad in every thing.
But, I thought, hey since I knew to what extend the bad can be if I stay, so I'll stay.
I'm in my comfort zone.
If not for the "happenings" I would've have considered at all.

Friends told me I was lucky to have a boss who trust me with his business.
But I told them, it is me thrown into a deep end.
And it is I who longed for a mentor.

Some say its best to learn at your own pace, every mistake becomes your eventual armour.
If there's anything I should say, the first years of practice taught you really how to thicken your face, getting screamed by the judges and looked down by your senior peers.
But in the end, its the strength you built that counts.
Its the skill you can never achieve just by reading books.

But still, I miss having someone to guide.
Most of the time, it is me having to pakai hentam everything.

So there.
There's good, there's bad.

I've to admit I wouldn't consider leaving at all if what happened yesterday didn't happen.
I feel so bad.
I feel so bad.
I feel so bad.
It just won't do if I stay.

I'm leaving, to join an arbitration firm.
I'll sure miss going to court, but hey..there will always be Legal Aid.

Guess I won't be doing what i used to do.
Including having a nicer boss.

In two months, that is.
Seems this decision, is guided by fate.
Biiznillah.


p/s:
Can't sleep.
Insomniac for witnessing a friend's arrest.
Anyway, tomorrow I'm heading south. A break from all this awful memories.

Oh ya.
Happy 19th birthday to my kid brother, Fariz Danial.
You're getting taller (reaching 5' 11" now), smarter and sweeter.
Please don't break any girl's heart.
Hahaha.

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it doesnt feel good

I'm used to watch people in prison.
I got a hang of it watching people getting arrested (by truckloads, for demo)
Sometimes the accused persons sit so close behind counsels' desk in courts that I could always hear the soft but sharp clinging sounds of their handcuffs.
When I represented a client for a rape case, he is on bail, and we had nice lunch and he almost look like ordinary persons like you and me.
I mitigated for ayam (ie chow kit prostitutes) and if she wasn't put in the dock, nobody would've suspected she is a sexual worker.

Everyone looks the same to me.

Day in and out of practice rendered me numbness of conviction of guilt and innocence, I subconsciously built a wall barrier to detach myself from feeling too much for any accused persons.
No matter how they look like.
I never seem to lose my objectivity of any sort.
Because evidence is everything.
Because everyone is innocent until proven guilty.

But this morning, I lose 'the' objectivity.
I witnessed somebody I know arrested, and being led away with handcuffs on him.

The lawyer in me was gone.
Why did they have to handcuff him?
He's not dangerous and obviously unarmed.

You lose your objectivity with someone you know.
Its no more "oh, its someone else".

I was helpless.
A suspect is a suspect is a suspect.
But I know, even if he is innocent, his future is already bleak.
If he's guilty, he is.

Only last week he told me he went for a medical check-up to join the police force.
He was hopeful, he said he wanted his mom to proud of him.

I know how long it takes for things like this to settle.
It could take months.
Even years.

Suddenly I remember the faces of clients I helped before.
When they thanked me, I shrugged off any more appreciative moves, telling them its my job.
Never did I delve deeper to understand that it means so much to be free.
Free to be with your family.
From those blameful and hateful eyes of the society.
Free from guilt.

Now that I know it, I swear to God it doesn't feel so good anymore.

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